I was going crazy, this was evident.
It started many years back when some of my friends, acquaintances rather thought something is wrong with me when I seemed to be lost amidst conversations, this thing was a deliberation on my part as this was my mental escape from the worldly chatter of the people I knew, while I seemed lost I was actually visiting places and making friends in my imaginary world.
I didn't bother to think then that I was going crazy as the friends in my head never complained so I never thought that I was going crazy.
My family thought I had lost it when I stopped interacting with them all of a sudden and we were living under the same roof.
But I didn't mind that either.
I had just read Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka and wondered that what if I too turn into a cockroach one fine day, well I will gain attention, sympathy and care and publicity and then no one will think I am crazy after all cockroaches are not crazy, are they?
I looked out of the only window that was present in my room, it was a lazy winter afternoon and I was all alone in this more than enough 3 bhk apartment, My parents had gone to attend a marriage function to some other town that I had no interest in and being the socially awkward entity I am, my parents thought it the best to leave me alone.
'Will the crow dive into my room and eat me if I become a cockroach? Well how will I taste? I sure will be crunchy with all the wings and scales but then the crow might look into my eyes and change his mind and might fall in love with me after all the feeling of devouring someone whole and possessing someone whole must be uncomfortably the same and that is the reason why am I obsessed of this two stream of thoughts at the same go for a same person" I thought and in the meanwhile the crow gave a pitiful look at me and flew away . I laughed out loud and the room echoed with my hollow laughter as I thought that even the crow doesn't want to possess me.
Yes, I am going crazy I thought as I silently pinched myself hard and relished the pain. I pinched myself till tears welled up my eyes and fell down my cheeks and I drank my tears and I felt relived. As if just out of bedlam I was confused. I have loved him for such a long time that I have forgotten that how do I feel without his love in my soul, all my dreams hopes and aspirations revolved around him and I was his muse and he was mine, he never promised me anything but I promised him my life and everything in it.
He never got into his head that what he meant to me but that's not a problem as i don't expect him to be, we are friends and that is enough for me after all I never wanted to be more than that to him as love is sometimes spoilt by the knowledge of its existence. "He came the day before yesterday at my place for some work and since then i am feeling this crazy, this lunatic, strange." I thought and and sipped in the red wine he brought for me two days back as promised by him.
I yawn and smile and slowly move forward and lazily stand at my balcony looking at the skyline form the 18th floor, Its serene and I don't feel crazy anymore, i sip the wine and its smooth taste indulges me into a serene pleasure and I remember his calm eyes, I love the most in him. "I have to carve" I thought as I moved in I will use my hands that's best.
I sit beside him his body is cold and still. I force open his eyelids carve out his eyes out of the socket with my fingers, taste the dried blood of his, and relieve the ecstasy. True the feelings of devouring someone is so similar to the feelings of possessing someone.
No, I am not crazy.